Kadang...

Kadang suka ngerasa jengah lama-lama ada disini. Ngehadepin orang yang menurut gue "ih masa gitu aja ngga tau?", "ih ga punya motivasi amat!", "ih diajakin maju kok susah?!", "ih gitu aja bingung!", "ih penjilat banget!", "ih haters!", dan ih-ih lainnya.

Kalo udah kayak gitu jadi kangen sama masa lalu. Masa dimana gue hidup di zona nyaman gue. Masa dimana gue berdiri di antara orang-orang yang berfikiran sama kayak gue. Orang-orang yang ingin terus maju, pantang buat stuck di tempat, bersaing dengan sehat...

Tp gue yakin Tuhan punya rencana buat nempatin gue disini, di tempat yang sebenernya jauh dari apa yang gue bayangkan. Mungkin Tuhan kepingin liat hamba-Nya yg kecil dan hina ini keluar dari zona nyamannya, lalu melihat jauh ke depan tanpa mengabaikan apa yang ada di samping kanan-kirinya. Supaya hamba-Nya ini tau apa hakikat manusia hidup di dunia ini. Supaya manusia juga tau apa maksud dari Tuhan yang menciptakan karakter manusia yang berbeda-beda.

Sekali lagi gue ngga mau jadi orang yang ngga bersyukur. Tuhan udah baik ngasih gue ini itu walaupun pd awalnya gue ngga suka dengan pemberian-Nya. Tapi hidup itu pilihan, kan? Ambil yang udah Tuhan kasih dengan hati ikhlas, atau tolak pemberian dari-Nya lalu berjalan tanpa pedoman di atas tanah-Nya yang fana ini...

i'm perfectly doubtful with what i'm gonna be...

dulu waktu gue kelas 3 SD, gue pernah punya cita-cita jadi dokter gigi atau ngga jadi dokter kecantikan. tapi setelah masuk SMA dan pilih jurusan IPA, gue tau inilah saatnya bagi gue buat ngubur keinginan itu dalam-dalam.

dulu waktu gue umur 10 tahun, gue berkeinginan keras buat kelak saat gue berumur 13 nanti gue mau jadi cover girl dan ikut ajang-ajang model. tapi saat udah umur 13, gue malah ngga pede buat sekedar ngirim foto gue ke majalah.

dulu waktu gue kelas 6 SD, gue pengen banget jadi bintang FTV yang sering tayang di SCTV, atau paling ngga gue jadi bintang iklan deh. tapi karena kelambanan gue dalam hal menghafal, apalagi menghafal script, jadi gue terpaksa rela kalah karena kekurangan gue itu.

waktu menjelang lulus SMA, gue berhasrat buat ngelanjutin kuliah di STAN. untuk hal ini gue sangat yakin dan excited. sampe-sampe gue ngabain SNMPTN undangan, ngga belajar buat SNPTN tulis, ngga berminat sama UM, sampe-sampe gue rela tinggal sebulan lebih di Tangerang buat ngambil bimbel USM STAN. tapi sekarang gue tau kenapa itu semua jadi sia-sia bagi gue saat ini. ngerjain akuntansi di kampus gue yang sekarang pun gue sering stuck, apalagi kalo gue di STAN nanti?

seringkali gue ngerasa ragu sama apa yang selama ini gue cita-citain. padahal gue yakin gue bisa, dan gue hanya butuh sedikit usaha dan kerja keras untuk ngewujudin hal itu. tapi seakan-akan Tuhan ngejawab apa yang selama ini gue lakuin, lalu membuat gue berfikir & berintropeksi diri bahwa gue sama sekali ngga berbakat dalam hal yang selama ini gue impikan. ini semua jadi bikin gue bertanya-tanya, what are you gonna be, dils?

dan saat ini, disaat umur gue udah hampir mendekati kepala dua, gue punya satu cita-cita. ya, cuma satu cita-cita simple yang ngga neko-neko. bukan pengen jadi superstar, atau jadi professor, atau sekedar kuliah di tempat-tempat bergengsi. gue cuma pengen, kelak saat gue udah berkeluarga nanti, gue pengen jadi seorang istri yang di dambakan suaminya, seorang ibu yang diidolakan anak-anaknya, dan seorang menantu yang dibanggakan mertuanya. tapi karena beberapa cita-cita terdahulu gue yang selalu gagal, gue jadi ngga yakin. apa gue bisa? apa gue pantas?


"...what you will be someday is the reflection of what you are doing now. so take a chance, make a change, and just move quickly!" -Dilla, 19th-

"what would you get on your wedding party?"

malam ini ngga biasa-biasanya Nanu ngirim sms dan ngajakin gue ber-daydreaming ria & meyakinkan gue kalo gue dan dia adalah best partner dalam masalah khayal-mengkhayal.

lalu apa yang kita khayalkan? "apa yang lo pengen dari pesta pernikahan lo?"

dan dengan sepenuh hati gue mengutarakan niatan yang baru-baru ini terlintas di pikiran gue. yap! nikah muda.

oke, gue pikir gue sering banget ngejilat ludah sendiri. terlebih dulu gue pernah menolak secara membabi buta prinsip buat nikah muda. dulu gue bilang kalo yang kepengen nikah muda itu ngga realistis lah, ngga punya cita-cita tinggi lah, apalah, but wait! kali ini gue pengen nikah muda dan yang bikin lebih nyeseknya lagi, gue sama sekali belum punya calon.

balik lagi ke daydreaming gue sama Nanu. gue pengen nikah saat gue masih kuliah kayak gini. kita mulai dari yang sederhana. ngga perlu ada pesta besar-besaran, ngga perlu ada bulan madu untuk saat ini. tapi kesepakatannya setelah menikah nanti gue ngga mau punya anak sebelum umur gue 26, at least sebelum gue kerja dan punya banyak uang. setelah nikah gue juga masih tinggal sama ortu gue, cuma tiap hari sabtu minggu aja kita tinggal bareng. itu juga di rumah orang tua gue ataupun di rumah orang tua dia. setelah kita semua udah sukses sama karier kita masing-masing, udah bisa ngumpulin uang banyak, kita baru beli rumah, beli mobil, bulan madu ke luar negeri, dan yang pasti punya anak & gue memutuskan untuk berhenti jadi wanita karier setelah gue melahirkan nanti. so excited!

terus bagaimana dengan anak gue? kelak gue pengen anak gue dapetin apa yang belum gue dapetin selama ini. ikut bimbel, les ini itu, pokoknya gue pengen bikin anak gue jadi anak yang berbakat. gue dedikasiin seluruh waktu gue buat dia, buat masa depan dia. dan masa depan gue? gue pengen jadi istri yang diidam-idamkan suami, ibu yang dipuja-puja anak-anaknya, dan menantu yang didamba-dambakan mertuanya. as simple as that :)

kalo Nanu, dia pengen kerja sambil kuliah, terus nabung. begitu juga dengan cowoknya. dia beli rumah di tangerang, mulai dari nol. punya 2 anak laki-laki yang dua-duanya adalah atlit, jadi ketua osis di sekolahnya, dan Nanu pengen jadi ibu yang cerdas dan sexy. simple, but that's her beautiful life plan :)

jadi ngga sabar pengen cepet-cepet nikah. sorry, maksudnya pengen merealisasikan khayalan-khayalan kita :D

great partner in sucks project & sucks partner in great project

long long ago, some of my classmates talked to me about this.

"i do feel so unlucky having partners like mine!"
"you know, i did almost all the things to finish our project. and what about them-i mean my partners? they did nothing!"

and hearing of those statement, with grinning in my face i just said, "well.. so far i have some pretty good partner."

and now, i have no more...

you know last week Mr. Nanang-my Business English's tutor-gave us an presentation project. and he asked Ramdan-our chairman in level A1 class- to divide us into some groups. and you know what the matter is? i got really really sucks group partner.

doing english project is something interesting for me, actually. so i have nothing to worry about at first. and i made a plan to make team work to finish presentation project in saturday and asked them to come at 10AM. but what i've got? Mitha can't comes because she also has to finish Personal Development project with her partner, so does Bayu. Riki comes but he can't stay for long time because he has another business. and Tomi, forget about him. none of us knowing about his cell number so we didn't tell him to also come.

so i did my project by myself. and i ask Riki to stay untill i finish the concept. after finish making the concept, i copied to flash disk & gave it to him. i also ask him to finish the power point and send to me as soon as possible. i'll be wait untill saturday night.

but what i've got. Riki was even not texted me! i texted him about the power point but he hasn't reply. and next morning i sent the same texted and he still hasn't reply. and in the sunday night, when i went online in facebook, i found him also online. so i sent a chat "why didn'y you reply my message? and what about the power point?" he just said "sorry i didn't pick my cellphone and the power point hasn't fnish yet". gosh i cant say anything! i just asked him to come early in the morning to divide task among our group. but what i've got in next morning? he came late so we didn't have so much time to learned about our task. and the power point was so STUPID!!


At that time, perhaps until now, I was so disappointed in them. they are completely unreliable. like I'm teaching them to ride a bike, I took off my grip. then suddenly they fell and hit me. it was very painful. my belief in them has missing and no trace at all. and the only way to not repeat the same mistake, I'll put wheels on their bikes and would never to release it. forever they will never be cycling, that's their business. the important thing is they will not fall again then hit me. like that term.

Mr. Nanang said that the appearance of our group is very disappointing. heard about it made me want to cry. how could I look so stupid in my favourite subjects? and my partner was the one who made it happen to me. I am so upset with them. and if I have the strength, I want to get out of those damned group!

waiting for someone who waiting for a girl who faithfully waiting for him...

i've waiting for someone who exactly waiting for another person who also waiting for him, for 10 years. complicated, rite?

for someone who wait for me,

thanks, thanks alot for all your time you've spent to waited for me

to still hold on me,

to still waiting a uncertainty,

you are all i need

you're the reason i can pass through all problem

you;re the reason why i can smile even i'm lonely

baby i will make all that count

for me for you and for us,
just keep wish and keep hold on,

accidentally i read those quote above yesterday in Farizi's Tumblr account, the first person i loved & thought of since i was grade 4 till now. words that he wrote successfully makes me grinning, start to make my imagination goes wild, feel like get an new hope, and just at that moment my grin turned into a smile of  "come to myself". Initially I thought that those quote was intended for me, because I know, who else who faithfully waited for him besides me? my gosh! it's about 10 years ago I loved him, trying different ways to keep close to him, even though in the end no one else from that way makes me successful was kept where he is. but I immediately remembered of the same variety rejection of him, all the sweet words that he gave to me to stop loving him, even the words he said to Vani that if he was annoyed with me (have not know the story yet ? read here). it all makes me self-conscious, he meant "wait" is certainly not for me.

and these words feel like strengthen my perception that he's already had "someone who also waiting for him" besides me and he asked me for stop disturbing his own peacefully life.

 

who's Erna? is she the lucky girl?

frankly, i felt so blue when i know that Farizi already had someone that he considers so special, of course not me who also consider that he's so special and precious for me. so cast down, 10 years isn't short time and easy to keep faithfully waiting for uncertainly person, and apparently he already has someone he thinks is certain for him. so cost down, doing something stupid in front of him, something can make me looks like clown, something can make me looks like freak, whereas actually the things i've done was shape of my love toward him. and stupidly I did it too early so that his perception toward me until now had remained the same, dilla the freaks and annoying. but I don't like that now, even I bend over backwards to make myself be fit with him. although maybe i wasn't as smart as he is, as mature as he is, went to a good state university, but at least I tried to someday be those who deserved to sit beside of him. but I've grown up now. I know what I read in his tumblr is something serious and will be the goal in his future. get my intentions? i mean those words isn't just a prank, isn't just those girl will be his girlfriend. not like that, I'm sure. I'm sure he'll take responsibility for his words and will soon come to those girl and said "will you marry me? '.
and those time, the time when i gotta go...

dear Farizi,

10 tahun gue ngikutin elo tapi sebenernya gue ngga tau apa-apa tentang lo. lo terlalu cepat berubah, sangat cepat sampe-sampe gue ngga mampu ngikutin segala perubahan elo. lo bukan lagi Farizi kecil yang masih duduk di kelas 5 SD, lo bukan lagi Farizi yang suka pake tas backpack warna ungu, lo bukan lagi Farizi yang ngga pake kacamata, hanya sekedar itu hal yang gue tau tentang lo. kita cuma kurang lebih 2 tahun ada di satu tempat yang sama. selebihnya? lo kemana, gue kemana. lebih tepatnya lo bisa kemana aja, sedangkan gue selalu berusaha buat kemanapun elo ada dan pada akhirnya gue tersesat di dalam cara gue sendiri.

awalnya gue seneng-seneng aja terus ngejer-ngejer lo. segala cara-cara bodoh yang dulu pernah gue lakuin buat sekedar ketemu sama elo awalnya cuma gue jadiin bahan tertawaan aja. cuma gue jadiin banyolan disaat gue lagi sama temen-temen gue. tapi sekarang? asli gue malu, Far. malu sama temen-temen gue. malu sama diri gue sendiri. terlebih lagi malu sama elo. gue bingung apa yang ada di pikiran gue saat itu? mengejar-ngejar lo dengan melakukan hal-hal bodoh dan menjadikan itu sebagai bahan guyonan? bodoh banget gue!

menurut elo, apa perasaan ini sebodoh tindakan gue, Far? apakah menganggumi lo termasuk hal paling bodoh yang pernah lo tau Far? sekarang gue udah bisa bedain mana yang tindakan bodoh mana yang bukan. tapi sayangnya sampe sekarang gue belum bisa bedain, apakah tetap setia nungguin elo itu termasuk hal bodoh atau bukan?

Far, sebenernya gue udah nggak kenal lo lagi seutuhnya. gue jauuh ada di belakang elo, dibalik bayang-bayang lo yang hampir ngga terlihat. tapi ngga tau kenapa sampe sekarang gue ngga bisa nemuin satu alesan aja buat gue pergi lupain elo. gue terlalu larut dalam cerita cinta monyet kampungan gue ini. gue tau elo pasti udah beda, gue juga udah beda. tapi gue ngga tau kenapa perasaan terhadap elo ini ngga pernah beda?

dan hal bodoh terakhir yang gue janji bakal jadi hal bodoh yang paling terakhir yang gue lakuin ke elo adalah, gue pengen suatu saat nanti, saat lo nikah, gue bisa ada disana. sekedar ngeliat siapa orang beruntung yang berhasil bersanding sama orang yang bahkan seluruh hidup gue gue dedikasikan buat dia...

when there was me, you, not them all...

suddenly remembered that time when we met at first. you ain't the kind of guy i had to adore actually. your face was too usual. we've never talked to each other before. and i thought i'd never ever fall for you.

time has passed. finally i've found something different in your eyes. your polite attitude, your quietly voice. and all the things in you made me wondering who are  you actually. not just me who wondering, but they were. they, all those other girls, always made you as an object of their chat. i heard they called your name so sweetly, described your awesome attitude like they all know all the things about you. and me? just be a good listener and chuckle like a dumb. when they talked about you i imagined the night when i thought of you. when they said your name, i imagined you're the first person i met in the morning. i couldn't speak up about you freely like they did. i was too clumsy, i could even break my legs whenever i meet you.

and that was the time i brave myself to made a lil' chit chat with you. we talked about many things, but our heart. our conversation like a stupid but i'm pleased to be your chit chat partner. i do love the way you laugh, the way you call my name, i like all the things in you. and the best part i love the most is, there's just me and you in our chit chat.

but there's no more  us when suddenly they came into your life. they can made you laugh more freely than me. i don't know what you've all talked about and i'm pretty sure that's not about us and all times we've been through. i don't know you anymore. and it feels like i lost my grip. i miss our time we've passed, i miss those silly topics we've talked about, and the worst part is... i miss being with you, kak...

getting sick of this stupid life -_____-"

semenjak gue mulai menaruh rasa ke mentor gue dan tiba-tiba gue dihadapkan sama cewek-cewek berisik itu, tiba-tiba hidup gue jadi amatlah menyebalkan. hidup gue tiba-tiba langsung kayak sinetron! segalanya serba dibuat-buat. apalagi ngeliat tingkah mereka yang lebay dan semakin menjadi-jadi setiap harinya bikin gue jadi harus ekstra sabar tiap kali ketemu mereka. gue sebenernya cukup happy karena kalo di kampus gue bisa sebisa-bisanya ngehindarin mereka. tapi di fb? dunia kedua gue seakan-akan direbut paksa sama mereka! mereka menuh-menuhin timeline gue dengan something bullshit dan gue muak banget dengan itu semua. rasanya gue pengen nyudahin ini semua dengan langsung blokir mereka supaya hidup gue kembali tenteram, tapi nggak bisa. temen-temen gue yang berlogika normal melarang gue buat ngelakuin hal itu dan gue mesti nurutin saran mereka karena gue tau kali ini logika gue lagi nggak jalan.

tapi rasanya gue kayak childish dan nggak bersyukur banget kalo tiba-tiba gue benci hidup gue sendiri. actually i don't hate it. seriously! hidup gue amatlah indah sebenernya. tujuan gue jelas. temen-temen gue lumayan banyak dan asik-asik. gue nggak ngerasa terasingkan sama sekali disini. mereka semua nerima gue dengan baik. dan gue ngerasa nggak ada halangan yang berarti bagi gue buat ngejalanin hidup gue. cuma masalahnya yah 3 orang itu tadi yang bikin hidup gue jadi runyam! gue pengen banget blokir mereka! pengen banget banget banget banget!!!